That's the thought going through my head at 9:26am. I've already wiped up buckets of mucus, followed with vomit, and as of a few minutes ago, blood. Most moms are feeling frazzled because they can't get their $6 coffee down without someone asking for a snack.
I'm not frazzled. I'm stripped down to the nerve. Exposed and feeling pain with every new situation that comes, one right after another.
They say you'll never have a clean house with boys. I'd give anything to not
have human secretions on me for 3 minutes.
This isn't what I signed up for.
I knew motherhood would be hard. But I was only told of a hard that included late night feedings, diapers, and wondering if you're raising them right. Not wondering if you can keep them alive.
I was told the joys would outweigh the sorrows immeasurably. Right now, my sorrows box is overflowing, and my joys box is gathering dust.
I should be grateful. I should be, I should be, I should be.
But right now, all I can think, is this isn't what I signed up for. This isn't what I wanted. I am so tired. I am so so tired, and running on an endless field of nails. I have no tears left in my body. I don't even know if I have anger. All I have left is misery. Any smile I can manage, I give to John. There's nothing left in me to offer anyone, including myself.
I am empty. But I have to keep going.
I just have to trust that the Bible is truth. Oh how I need it to be true. Please be true. It's the only hope I've got left to hold.
