The evening that Joe arrived, I wanted to do something fun. It sounds like such a trivial phrase, but I didn’t really do much fun things in that phase of my life. I suggested ice skating, and Tanner looked at me like I was crazy, but Joe gave an enthusiastic nod and grin that made me feel seen for the first time in a while. We found a local rink that was open and made our way to it. After checking out our skates, we hobbled over to the rink.
I was, by no means, experienced at ice skating, so I was extremely shaky on the ice and held on to the wall for dear life. Tanner and Joe zoomed off, and I truly didn’t mind because this visit was about them reuniting and catching up. So I just toodled along the wall, quietly enjoying my time. Then Joe appeared next to me, and he gently took my hand and whisked me away from the edge of the rink. We were flying, hand in hand. I was on Cloud Nine; my heart was beating about a million miles an hour as he held my hand firmly to keep me from falling.
We made small talk, and giggled as I wobbled constantly. As we continued to skate slowly, towards the edge of the rink, a man knelt down and presented a ring to his lady. I lost all consciousness of where I was, and squealed loudly in delight as she said a resounding “YES!” I clapped and shouted my congratulations to them, and Joe was just laughing beside me. I looked over at him, beaming as bright as day. Nothing makes me smile more than love. I’m a sucker for a public proposal.
I didn’t realize how much of a foreshadowing I was receiving into my own life!
Tanner rejoined us quickly, and Joe asked if he’d seen the proposal. Tanner brushed it off quickly; and decided it was time to go. So we left the rink, and went back to the apartment.
That night, I slept as far away from Tanner as I could. My hand was still warm from where Joe had held it, and I just had a feeling that something had just changed forever. Late into the night, I had gotten up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Joe was asleep on an air mattress, and I just stared for a while. Creepy, I know, but I was in such a state of confusion. Why did I feel so drawn to this man I had just met? Why did I want to hold his hand forever? Who was this man, and what could I do to be his friend? I knew I couldn’t be his girl...he’d never want someone like me. But I wanted to be is friend forever.
Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and I closed my eyes and made my Christmas wish: please let me be in Joe’s life forever.
Friday, April 17, 2020
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Wrapped in a Blue Bow: My Story Part 3
When I met Tanner, he often mentioned a friend of his from high school. Tanner had originally planned on joining the Marine Corps with his friend straight out of high school, but Tanner wasn’t accepted due to a medical condition of some sort. One day, we were both off work and were just sitting in the apartment, when Tanner mentioned that he heard from this friend. He was stationed at Camp Lejune in North Carolina, which was about a six hour drive from where we lived. I thought that it was nice, but life carried on as normal.
A little while later, I got a message from this friend. He asked me if he could come spend Christmas with us a surprise for Tanner. He had gotten a long weekend for Christmas, and since he couldn’t fly home to be with his family, he wanted to spend it with at least one person he knew. I agreed and was excited to plan this surprise visit. So this friend and I communicated bit by bit, planning a simple visit. He quickly told me of his strong faith in God during our conversations, and that pricked my spirit. He was so bold, in a non Bible thumping way. He drew me in, and I wanted to know this guy better. I actually missed talking about God a little, but I was still so skittish about anything revolving around God.
At my job, I told my coworkers about this plan and about the friend coming over. Eyebrows were raised as I talked about this friend. I talked about him so often and so differently than I ever talked about Tanner, and it was quickly noticed. I brushed it off as nothing, I was just excited for Tanner to reunite with his buddy.
Soon enough, December 23rd rolled around—the day the friend was coming. I sent Tanner out on a errand so the friend could be inside when Tanner returned. I was inside pacing, twiddling my thumbs as I waited. I felt nervous, and I had no idea why. Then there was a knock on the door, and my stomach did a flip. I went to the door, and opened it...
I wasn’t prepared for the wave that crashed into me. The air was sucked out of my lungs. In front of me stood the most handsome man I’d ever seen. He had a goofy grin on his face, but my eyes were drawn to the huge blue Christmas bow that sat on top of his head. Then, as audibly as a friend playing telephone with you, I heard a whisper. “Here he is. This is your husband.”
I blinked. Uhhhh...no. I had to keep from bursting out laughing. You mean to tell me, after YEARS of crying and longing for my husband, You delivered him to me on my front porch, gift wrapped!?
There was just no way. I said no. I knew Who had whispered that. And I said no. There wasn’t a way that was possible. So I shook off the chill going down my spine, and welcomed the friend inside. I wrapped him in a hug, as my stomach continued to tumble like a washing machine mid cycle. He just laughed so freely as he sheepishly took the bow off his head.
“I thought this would be a good touch,” he smiled as his eyes looked straight into mine. “Well it’s so great to finally meet you...I’m Joe.”
Tanner arrived shortly after, and I sat quietly as they talked. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I actually snapped this photo of Joe as he swapped stories of Tanner.
A little while later, I got a message from this friend. He asked me if he could come spend Christmas with us a surprise for Tanner. He had gotten a long weekend for Christmas, and since he couldn’t fly home to be with his family, he wanted to spend it with at least one person he knew. I agreed and was excited to plan this surprise visit. So this friend and I communicated bit by bit, planning a simple visit. He quickly told me of his strong faith in God during our conversations, and that pricked my spirit. He was so bold, in a non Bible thumping way. He drew me in, and I wanted to know this guy better. I actually missed talking about God a little, but I was still so skittish about anything revolving around God.
At my job, I told my coworkers about this plan and about the friend coming over. Eyebrows were raised as I talked about this friend. I talked about him so often and so differently than I ever talked about Tanner, and it was quickly noticed. I brushed it off as nothing, I was just excited for Tanner to reunite with his buddy.
Soon enough, December 23rd rolled around—the day the friend was coming. I sent Tanner out on a errand so the friend could be inside when Tanner returned. I was inside pacing, twiddling my thumbs as I waited. I felt nervous, and I had no idea why. Then there was a knock on the door, and my stomach did a flip. I went to the door, and opened it...
I wasn’t prepared for the wave that crashed into me. The air was sucked out of my lungs. In front of me stood the most handsome man I’d ever seen. He had a goofy grin on his face, but my eyes were drawn to the huge blue Christmas bow that sat on top of his head. Then, as audibly as a friend playing telephone with you, I heard a whisper. “Here he is. This is your husband.”
I blinked. Uhhhh...no. I had to keep from bursting out laughing. You mean to tell me, after YEARS of crying and longing for my husband, You delivered him to me on my front porch, gift wrapped!?
There was just no way. I said no. I knew Who had whispered that. And I said no. There wasn’t a way that was possible. So I shook off the chill going down my spine, and welcomed the friend inside. I wrapped him in a hug, as my stomach continued to tumble like a washing machine mid cycle. He just laughed so freely as he sheepishly took the bow off his head.
“I thought this would be a good touch,” he smiled as his eyes looked straight into mine. “Well it’s so great to finally meet you...I’m Joe.”
Tanner arrived shortly after, and I sat quietly as they talked. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I actually snapped this photo of Joe as he swapped stories of Tanner.
My heart was captured at a single glance. But I just knew there was no way Joe felt the same way. So I stayed quiet. I accepted that my life was meant to be just the way it was. I was surviving. I was staying afloat. I wasn’t in love or even happy. I was okay. And that’s how it was supposed to be.
But oh how wrong I was. The story was just beginning...
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Reckless: My Story Part 2
**Possible Trigger Warning. Please be careful reading if you struggle with suicide, anxiety, or self harm**
Moving to South Carolina felt surreal. I was a little numb, and just surrendered myself to whatever would happen. I didn’t know the person I sat beside in the Uhaul, but I closed off the part of me that protested to what was happening. I was all in, ready or not.
We didn’t have an apartment waiting for us. All we had were jobs because we just transferred to a store in South Carolina. We moved in with Tanner’s brother, sister in law, and two small children. We stayed in their basement while we searched for a place to live. At that point in my life, I had lived on multiple people’s couches, in and out of my parents’ house. So it wasn’t all that strange to me, except I didn’t know these people. It was a strange situation because Tanner’s brother was a stay at home dad, so these people were modern. The kids were in school, so sometimes it was just me and the brother at the house if Tanner had a shift and I didn’t. I just stayed in the basement. I honestly can’t remember what I did to pass the time. I just existed.
Eventually we found an apartment and moved to a different area of town. I found a better job at an eye care place as an optician. I quickly bonded with the staff there, other than the second optician. I grew especially close with the Office Manager. She planted so many seeds by inviting me to church. I shrugged it off, and continued about my work.
Other than work, my life consisted of going to the gym and attending car racing events with Tanner. Any extra pennies we had went into his cars. He lived for drag racing, road racing, and building cars. I hated every second of it, honestly, but I kind of thought of my time spent with Tanner as payment, so I just put up with it. There were countless times where we would be out at 4am speeding down empty highways with other car racers. It was such a strange scene to be involved in...car people are a different breed. People who don’t know each other, who have nothing in common other than cars, just hang out in empty parking lots vaping. That’s basically a sum of car people. There $30,000 investment breaks and they rebuild it, and that $30,000 quickly grows to above $100,000. It blew my mind.
I was noticed quickly as a new girl. Being the new girl brought a lot of unwanted attention and comments about my looks. It became normal, and even welcomed at some point because I learned that my value as a woman is how pretty I am. How many comments can I get this time? It became a motivation for me. Tanner encouraged me to ride in other men’s cars as it would help him build clout among the car people, I suppose. I’m still not 100% sure why he wanted me to ride in others cars. But I did to keep the peace and try to fit in.
My passion for anything slowly faded. I shrunk, in every way. My love for the gym stayed constant, and I spent a lot of time there. But other than that, I became unrecognizable. I became reckless. I didn’t care about my own safety or well being. I truly got to a point where it didn’t matter if I lived or died. I want to make it clear I never got involved in drugs or alcohol or over promiscuous activity. I was just totally and completely numb to any emotion or conviction. It came to the point where I called the suicide hotline multiple times just crying because I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to die. And this wasn’t the first time I had felt this way.
My struggle with anxiety and depression began at a very very young age, around 6 years old. I began self harming, although me nor my parents knew it was self harm at the time. I was born in the time where mental health was not well known or talked about. Therapy was shameful. Getting help was actually seeking attention. My parents were just distraught that their young daughter was causing harm to her body. They took me to my pediatrician who told me “well don’t do that anymore”. Silly goose, slap on the wrist, why would you hurt yourself? I saw it as I was being a bad girl...so I changed my self harm method. Again, my parents didn’t understand. All they saw was I was harming myself and it broke their hearts. So they did what they thought was best for me; and figured maybe punishment would help combat this “habit” as we thought it was. My anxiety built and built over the years, my self harming went to new heights. And I remember at around 14 years old, telling my parents “I want to die”. That was my first time articulating into words the dark crushing mass on my heart.
And it never went away. Although better, self harm is still something I struggle with when my anxiety wraps itself around me. Although now I recognize it for what it is, and am able to combat it with scripture. But in South Carolina, I recoiled from God’s Word, so I had nothing other than to surrender myself to self harm.
I kept my problems to myself. Tanner didn’t know, no one knew the internal and spiritual battle that was happening around me. There were times I wanted so badly to pray, but I fought that urge down. Old habits die hard, right? That was the old me, the stupid me. The one who clung to something that wasn’t real, wasn’t even there. I recklessly threw myself into the secular world, trying so desperately to be something I was not.
But then something changed. God cracked His knuckles and said “alright young lady. This is enough. I’m coming to get you.”
You know that song “Reckless Love”? Well just as reckless as I was being, God was being 100 times more reckless when He pursued me. What came next, I never thought I was worthy of such love from my Heavenly Father. Something that made it impossible for me to ignore.
Moving to South Carolina felt surreal. I was a little numb, and just surrendered myself to whatever would happen. I didn’t know the person I sat beside in the Uhaul, but I closed off the part of me that protested to what was happening. I was all in, ready or not.
We didn’t have an apartment waiting for us. All we had were jobs because we just transferred to a store in South Carolina. We moved in with Tanner’s brother, sister in law, and two small children. We stayed in their basement while we searched for a place to live. At that point in my life, I had lived on multiple people’s couches, in and out of my parents’ house. So it wasn’t all that strange to me, except I didn’t know these people. It was a strange situation because Tanner’s brother was a stay at home dad, so these people were modern. The kids were in school, so sometimes it was just me and the brother at the house if Tanner had a shift and I didn’t. I just stayed in the basement. I honestly can’t remember what I did to pass the time. I just existed.
Eventually we found an apartment and moved to a different area of town. I found a better job at an eye care place as an optician. I quickly bonded with the staff there, other than the second optician. I grew especially close with the Office Manager. She planted so many seeds by inviting me to church. I shrugged it off, and continued about my work.
Other than work, my life consisted of going to the gym and attending car racing events with Tanner. Any extra pennies we had went into his cars. He lived for drag racing, road racing, and building cars. I hated every second of it, honestly, but I kind of thought of my time spent with Tanner as payment, so I just put up with it. There were countless times where we would be out at 4am speeding down empty highways with other car racers. It was such a strange scene to be involved in...car people are a different breed. People who don’t know each other, who have nothing in common other than cars, just hang out in empty parking lots vaping. That’s basically a sum of car people. There $30,000 investment breaks and they rebuild it, and that $30,000 quickly grows to above $100,000. It blew my mind.
I was noticed quickly as a new girl. Being the new girl brought a lot of unwanted attention and comments about my looks. It became normal, and even welcomed at some point because I learned that my value as a woman is how pretty I am. How many comments can I get this time? It became a motivation for me. Tanner encouraged me to ride in other men’s cars as it would help him build clout among the car people, I suppose. I’m still not 100% sure why he wanted me to ride in others cars. But I did to keep the peace and try to fit in.
My passion for anything slowly faded. I shrunk, in every way. My love for the gym stayed constant, and I spent a lot of time there. But other than that, I became unrecognizable. I became reckless. I didn’t care about my own safety or well being. I truly got to a point where it didn’t matter if I lived or died. I want to make it clear I never got involved in drugs or alcohol or over promiscuous activity. I was just totally and completely numb to any emotion or conviction. It came to the point where I called the suicide hotline multiple times just crying because I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to die. And this wasn’t the first time I had felt this way.
My struggle with anxiety and depression began at a very very young age, around 6 years old. I began self harming, although me nor my parents knew it was self harm at the time. I was born in the time where mental health was not well known or talked about. Therapy was shameful. Getting help was actually seeking attention. My parents were just distraught that their young daughter was causing harm to her body. They took me to my pediatrician who told me “well don’t do that anymore”. Silly goose, slap on the wrist, why would you hurt yourself? I saw it as I was being a bad girl...so I changed my self harm method. Again, my parents didn’t understand. All they saw was I was harming myself and it broke their hearts. So they did what they thought was best for me; and figured maybe punishment would help combat this “habit” as we thought it was. My anxiety built and built over the years, my self harming went to new heights. And I remember at around 14 years old, telling my parents “I want to die”. That was my first time articulating into words the dark crushing mass on my heart.
And it never went away. Although better, self harm is still something I struggle with when my anxiety wraps itself around me. Although now I recognize it for what it is, and am able to combat it with scripture. But in South Carolina, I recoiled from God’s Word, so I had nothing other than to surrender myself to self harm.
I kept my problems to myself. Tanner didn’t know, no one knew the internal and spiritual battle that was happening around me. There were times I wanted so badly to pray, but I fought that urge down. Old habits die hard, right? That was the old me, the stupid me. The one who clung to something that wasn’t real, wasn’t even there. I recklessly threw myself into the secular world, trying so desperately to be something I was not.
But then something changed. God cracked His knuckles and said “alright young lady. This is enough. I’m coming to get you.”
You know that song “Reckless Love”? Well just as reckless as I was being, God was being 100 times more reckless when He pursued me. What came next, I never thought I was worthy of such love from my Heavenly Father. Something that made it impossible for me to ignore.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Peace Out, Fear In: My Story Part 1
I’m gonna back up.
My mom sweetly told me yesterday after I’d posted my first post in 5 years that my story is nothing to be ashamed of. That it needs to be told. In my heart, looking back at all this, if my story can save just one human from going through what I went through, then it will all have been worth it. So I’m not going to do what I was planning...I’m not going to skip the details of the nitty gritty.
I mentioned in my last post, that I moved in with a boy I’d know for 7 days. And of course I will be changing names to keep identities safe. But this is my story. This is my testimony.
You can actually go back through my blog posts, like I just did yesterday. I was alive, full of hope, gungho on waiting for God’s timing...so when did that stop? Well it stopped in Disney actually, at least a little bit of it did. When I moved back to Oklahoma, I was on the edge of a cliff. I was tired, bitter from a lot of damage done by working for Disney, and I was questioning what would happen upon my return to my small town.
But a boy entered my life. Not the guy I moved in with. We will call this boy Charlie. Charlie and I met through our moms actually. They’d known each other in their early childhood years, and Charlie found my blog. He read stories and from that, he expressed interest in meeting me. My mom told me about Charlie, and I was thrilled to pieces that I was being noticed. He was living in a different state, but I agreed to talk with Charlie. We messaged back and forth on Facebook, and soon became attached at the hip. It was cute at first, but then it became obsessive. Grabbing my phone the second it pinged. Not wanting to be away from my phone for any reason whatsoever. Skyping into the wee hours of the morning. Getting defensive about ANY questioning of Charlie.
My parents recognized some behaviors that caused concern. My mom has always been pretty black and white with me, which as a 21 year old at the time, rubbed me the wrong way. Anything she said that didn’t match up with my feelings immediately sent me into defensive mode. I grew to resent anything, and I mean anything, that she said. If she said go right, I went left. If she wanted pizza, I wanted Chinese. I think any mother daughter duo goes through a period where they don’t get along. But we were Rocky Balboa and that Russian. She was trying to keep her daughter away from the road of destruction, I was struggling with wanting to be an adult. Moving back in with my parents after being on my own for a year was the hardest thing to deal with, and it just added to the tension.
Well one day, I was Skyping with Charlie when my parents came home from a long day at work. My mom went to do a chore of some kind, laundry or dishes or something..and she asked me for help. I sighed and got fussy because I was on Skype with my boyfriend, ugh Mom!!!! Our tempers both went from zero to Code Red, danger danger! Things escalated, and I ended up leaving. Permanently.
That was when I cut ties. I was done. I was so beyond angry, and that anger turned into full blown hatred. So I moved out, and went to Kansas. That was when I got in my car wreck I mention in an earlier post. After my car wreck I went to the state Charlie was living in to attend a formal event. Charlie was awful. He was just a not nice person, but I was so determined to prove my parents wrong, I ignored every red flag that was thrown at me.
I continued my relationship with Charlie. Since I couldn’t survive in Kansas, I didn’t have a car and I was pretty banged up from the wreck, I moved back in with my parents under the clear condition that I broke up with Charlie. I said okay, but I continued a relationship with Charlie anyways. Until eventually I realized I couldn’t stay with a man like him, he was just not the right man for me, and I didn’t want to spend forever with him. My mom was right about him, and I did eventually find that out in my own time. So I ended things with Charlie.
Another condition of living with my parents was to get a job. But I didn’t have a car so I would have to be able to walk to work from my dad’s office. I landed a job at a retail store, and started working there. That’s where I met Tanner. He was an employee at the same store, and he seemed genuinely nice. He waited with me at night to make sure I wasn’t alone while I waited for my Dad to pick me up. He didn’t constantly make lewd comments to me like every other male did that I worked with. He seemed normal. My parents even let me have him over for dinner. For a couple of days it seemed like everything would be okay.
Or so I thought.
My parents told me they were going to go away for the weekend. I would be alone in the house for the first time since I’d been there, a trial of if they could trust me or not. I was so excited, I really wanted to prove they could trust me again. Then Tanner texted me and said he was leaving town for the week and would really love to see me before he left. I told him that I’d like that too, but I couldn’t because my parents were away for the weekend. He said he could just come over real quick and leave, no big deal. I said no. He said “but I really want to see you”. I said no. He asked again, saying it would mean a lot, and they would never find out. I paused...then gave in. He came over, and while he was there, my parents came home.
My mom has always had a direct line to the Holy Spirit, and that night was no exception. They came back to what is probably every parent’s worst nightmare. They threw him out, and...well no one slept much that night. The next morning my parents and I sat outside and had the first honest conversation we’d had in a while. They told me the new conditions of living with them. No phone, no going out, no talking to boys at all, no being in the house by myself....and I knew I couldn’t abide by the rules. So they gave me a choice, you either pack a bag and we drop you off somewhere and that’s that. Or you go stay with relatives in another state. I was updating Tanner about what was happening. And that’s when he said it. “You can come live with me.” So I formulated my plan. Right then and there.
My relatives opened their home to me. They ministered to me. They tried to reach my already hardened heart. It was so blackened, nothing they said resonated with me. I planned it out, and found a window where I could run. Tanner drove all the way to their house, and I walked right out the door. I got inside his truck, and he sped off. I remember laughing. Throwing my head back hysterically laughing. I was free. Or at least what I thought was free. We made it back to his studio apartment, which reeked of boy smell. But I remember thinking “this is okay, I can survive here”.
I sent my parents an email to let them know I was alive. But I told them “I need to do this.” I needed to be on my own. I needed to walk this out. I just had no idea what that would mean. I returned to my job at the retail store, and my life continued on, fairly normally. I had four walls and a roof over my head, and a little money in my pocket. A nice enough guy. I didn’t love him. But I mean love was a fairy tale at that point. I threw that dream in the trash. True love wasn’t alive. This was life. I accepted it, and moved on. Then one day Tanner announced he was moving to South Carolina. I was invited to go, of course. I shrugged my shoulders and said “okay”. And then we left. Just like that.
I didn’t know I was walking through a door, and that God was the one holding it open. Carefully nudging and directing my path, even when I had tossed him aside.
I was free. Right?? Peace out, old life!! But at that moment, I let so much fear in.
My mom sweetly told me yesterday after I’d posted my first post in 5 years that my story is nothing to be ashamed of. That it needs to be told. In my heart, looking back at all this, if my story can save just one human from going through what I went through, then it will all have been worth it. So I’m not going to do what I was planning...I’m not going to skip the details of the nitty gritty.
I mentioned in my last post, that I moved in with a boy I’d know for 7 days. And of course I will be changing names to keep identities safe. But this is my story. This is my testimony.
You can actually go back through my blog posts, like I just did yesterday. I was alive, full of hope, gungho on waiting for God’s timing...so when did that stop? Well it stopped in Disney actually, at least a little bit of it did. When I moved back to Oklahoma, I was on the edge of a cliff. I was tired, bitter from a lot of damage done by working for Disney, and I was questioning what would happen upon my return to my small town.
But a boy entered my life. Not the guy I moved in with. We will call this boy Charlie. Charlie and I met through our moms actually. They’d known each other in their early childhood years, and Charlie found my blog. He read stories and from that, he expressed interest in meeting me. My mom told me about Charlie, and I was thrilled to pieces that I was being noticed. He was living in a different state, but I agreed to talk with Charlie. We messaged back and forth on Facebook, and soon became attached at the hip. It was cute at first, but then it became obsessive. Grabbing my phone the second it pinged. Not wanting to be away from my phone for any reason whatsoever. Skyping into the wee hours of the morning. Getting defensive about ANY questioning of Charlie.
My parents recognized some behaviors that caused concern. My mom has always been pretty black and white with me, which as a 21 year old at the time, rubbed me the wrong way. Anything she said that didn’t match up with my feelings immediately sent me into defensive mode. I grew to resent anything, and I mean anything, that she said. If she said go right, I went left. If she wanted pizza, I wanted Chinese. I think any mother daughter duo goes through a period where they don’t get along. But we were Rocky Balboa and that Russian. She was trying to keep her daughter away from the road of destruction, I was struggling with wanting to be an adult. Moving back in with my parents after being on my own for a year was the hardest thing to deal with, and it just added to the tension.
Well one day, I was Skyping with Charlie when my parents came home from a long day at work. My mom went to do a chore of some kind, laundry or dishes or something..and she asked me for help. I sighed and got fussy because I was on Skype with my boyfriend, ugh Mom!!!! Our tempers both went from zero to Code Red, danger danger! Things escalated, and I ended up leaving. Permanently.
That was when I cut ties. I was done. I was so beyond angry, and that anger turned into full blown hatred. So I moved out, and went to Kansas. That was when I got in my car wreck I mention in an earlier post. After my car wreck I went to the state Charlie was living in to attend a formal event. Charlie was awful. He was just a not nice person, but I was so determined to prove my parents wrong, I ignored every red flag that was thrown at me.
I continued my relationship with Charlie. Since I couldn’t survive in Kansas, I didn’t have a car and I was pretty banged up from the wreck, I moved back in with my parents under the clear condition that I broke up with Charlie. I said okay, but I continued a relationship with Charlie anyways. Until eventually I realized I couldn’t stay with a man like him, he was just not the right man for me, and I didn’t want to spend forever with him. My mom was right about him, and I did eventually find that out in my own time. So I ended things with Charlie.
Another condition of living with my parents was to get a job. But I didn’t have a car so I would have to be able to walk to work from my dad’s office. I landed a job at a retail store, and started working there. That’s where I met Tanner. He was an employee at the same store, and he seemed genuinely nice. He waited with me at night to make sure I wasn’t alone while I waited for my Dad to pick me up. He didn’t constantly make lewd comments to me like every other male did that I worked with. He seemed normal. My parents even let me have him over for dinner. For a couple of days it seemed like everything would be okay.
Or so I thought.
My parents told me they were going to go away for the weekend. I would be alone in the house for the first time since I’d been there, a trial of if they could trust me or not. I was so excited, I really wanted to prove they could trust me again. Then Tanner texted me and said he was leaving town for the week and would really love to see me before he left. I told him that I’d like that too, but I couldn’t because my parents were away for the weekend. He said he could just come over real quick and leave, no big deal. I said no. He said “but I really want to see you”. I said no. He asked again, saying it would mean a lot, and they would never find out. I paused...then gave in. He came over, and while he was there, my parents came home.
My mom has always had a direct line to the Holy Spirit, and that night was no exception. They came back to what is probably every parent’s worst nightmare. They threw him out, and...well no one slept much that night. The next morning my parents and I sat outside and had the first honest conversation we’d had in a while. They told me the new conditions of living with them. No phone, no going out, no talking to boys at all, no being in the house by myself....and I knew I couldn’t abide by the rules. So they gave me a choice, you either pack a bag and we drop you off somewhere and that’s that. Or you go stay with relatives in another state. I was updating Tanner about what was happening. And that’s when he said it. “You can come live with me.” So I formulated my plan. Right then and there.
My relatives opened their home to me. They ministered to me. They tried to reach my already hardened heart. It was so blackened, nothing they said resonated with me. I planned it out, and found a window where I could run. Tanner drove all the way to their house, and I walked right out the door. I got inside his truck, and he sped off. I remember laughing. Throwing my head back hysterically laughing. I was free. Or at least what I thought was free. We made it back to his studio apartment, which reeked of boy smell. But I remember thinking “this is okay, I can survive here”.
I sent my parents an email to let them know I was alive. But I told them “I need to do this.” I needed to be on my own. I needed to walk this out. I just had no idea what that would mean. I returned to my job at the retail store, and my life continued on, fairly normally. I had four walls and a roof over my head, and a little money in my pocket. A nice enough guy. I didn’t love him. But I mean love was a fairy tale at that point. I threw that dream in the trash. True love wasn’t alive. This was life. I accepted it, and moved on. Then one day Tanner announced he was moving to South Carolina. I was invited to go, of course. I shrugged my shoulders and said “okay”. And then we left. Just like that.
I didn’t know I was walking through a door, and that God was the one holding it open. Carefully nudging and directing my path, even when I had tossed him aside.
I was free. Right?? Peace out, old life!! But at that moment, I let so much fear in.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Dust Bunnies
Wow....
I feel like I’m standing in an old abandoned castle, surrounded by cobwebs, dust bunnies, and falling apart furniture...but also there’s so much hidden beauty.
It’s been a hot minute, huh? Only five years! And I can tell you why it’s been five years since I’ve stepped...foot? Finger? Onto this page.
I ran away.
Yeah. Quite literally. I ran away from everything. From myself, from my family, friends, church...but most heartbreakingly from my Heavenly Father. I had given up hope. I gave up on His promises. I figured He didn’t care. He didn’t see me. I was a forgotten dust bunny under the bed. My heart’s desires were crumbled up prices of paper with empty longings.
My heart became hardened. And I don’t mean, ugh this is a tough nut to crack! I mean a hateful hardened heart. The kind where I looked at my loving parents and saw two humans who wanted to stomp out any joy in my life. I looked at my church and saw a prison. I looked at God and saw nothing. Everything looked dark. I felt nothing. So I decided to do whatever it took to feel again.
This story is probably familiar to a lot of people. Boy meets girl, right? Well I met a boy. And 7 days later I moved in with him. And we ran away. Cut ties. Caution to the wind. And I wound up moving from my hometown, everything I’d ever known..to a small town in South Carolina.
I became a different person, one I don’t even recognize. One who I hope to never cross paths with again. My moral compass was put in a trunk and thrown into the ocean. I lost all hope of ever living in the light again. I knew God was there, don’t get me wrong..I believed in God. I pretended I didn’t, but I truly knew God was out there. I just didn’t believe He cared about me.
But then one day, two days before Christmas in 2016, I got a knock on my door. And my life changed forever.
So...if you are a fellow dust bunny..feeling lost, dirty, forgotten...hang in there. Stay with me here, and see what God is willing to do for His kids.
I’m so glad to be back. If you’re reading my stories for the first time, welcome. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad we’re all here, whether you’re feeling like a dust bunny or a prized trophy.
Spoiler alert: we are ALL prized trophies. YOU are God’s masterpiece. And I hope that through my story, you might be able to see that.
Stay tuned. I’ll be back soon<3
I feel like I’m standing in an old abandoned castle, surrounded by cobwebs, dust bunnies, and falling apart furniture...but also there’s so much hidden beauty.
It’s been a hot minute, huh? Only five years! And I can tell you why it’s been five years since I’ve stepped...foot? Finger? Onto this page.
I ran away.
Yeah. Quite literally. I ran away from everything. From myself, from my family, friends, church...but most heartbreakingly from my Heavenly Father. I had given up hope. I gave up on His promises. I figured He didn’t care. He didn’t see me. I was a forgotten dust bunny under the bed. My heart’s desires were crumbled up prices of paper with empty longings.
My heart became hardened. And I don’t mean, ugh this is a tough nut to crack! I mean a hateful hardened heart. The kind where I looked at my loving parents and saw two humans who wanted to stomp out any joy in my life. I looked at my church and saw a prison. I looked at God and saw nothing. Everything looked dark. I felt nothing. So I decided to do whatever it took to feel again.
This story is probably familiar to a lot of people. Boy meets girl, right? Well I met a boy. And 7 days later I moved in with him. And we ran away. Cut ties. Caution to the wind. And I wound up moving from my hometown, everything I’d ever known..to a small town in South Carolina.
I became a different person, one I don’t even recognize. One who I hope to never cross paths with again. My moral compass was put in a trunk and thrown into the ocean. I lost all hope of ever living in the light again. I knew God was there, don’t get me wrong..I believed in God. I pretended I didn’t, but I truly knew God was out there. I just didn’t believe He cared about me.
But then one day, two days before Christmas in 2016, I got a knock on my door. And my life changed forever.
So...if you are a fellow dust bunny..feeling lost, dirty, forgotten...hang in there. Stay with me here, and see what God is willing to do for His kids.
I’m so glad to be back. If you’re reading my stories for the first time, welcome. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad we’re all here, whether you’re feeling like a dust bunny or a prized trophy.
Spoiler alert: we are ALL prized trophies. YOU are God’s masterpiece. And I hope that through my story, you might be able to see that.
Stay tuned. I’ll be back soon<3
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