Say It

I've always considered myself a friendly person. My mom always said to me, "show yourself friendly", and I took it right to heart. I've been a lot of things in life, more than a couple of those are negative, but one thing I've never ever been is a mean girl. 

Well a few years ago, God pressed upon my heart a sort of creed. If you think something nice about someone, say it. Tell them. It may be the silliest thing that makes me feel like a creeper. It might be something meaningful. But literally if I think something kind about someone, I try my best to make it a point to find them and tell them. Back when we lived in Quantico, I was at the super-fancy grocery store, and I saw this girl shopping and she had on jeans that well...they just complimented her VERY well! I wasn't going to say anything, because hi that is awkward!!! But I just felt the need to tell her. So I sidled up to her, and said, "excuse me, this may sound awkward and I am not trying to be weird but i just want to say those jeans fit you so well and make your booty pop!!" I wanted to die. But!!!!! Her face lit up. She looked like it was the absolute best thing anyone has ever said to her. She blushed and struck a pose and thanked me about 5 times as I continued down the snack aisle. Since then...I just say it. I've never had anyone say "I don't appreciate you telling me that".

Yesterday evening, for example, we were at a local pool party, and I saw a sweet young momma with a young child and an itty bitty baby, about 3 months old. And I'm telling y'all, she looked INCREDIBLE! I was like there is NO way this lady just had a baby!!! Well, it just so happened I sat next to her on the pool edge as the little ones played, and we made small talk. I just heard that little voice: say it. So I did. I told her how amazing she looked and I could really tell it made her happy! Today, at our local indoor park, another momma had a gorgeous head of hair, so guess what I did? I told her! She looked like she wanted to cry; she genuinely looked shocked. She started to fight the compliment, as so many of us do. But I insisted, her hair was stunning. She just smiled and quietly said thank you, while absent mindedly touching her hair. 

Friends, I'm telling you, if you ever think something nice about a stranger...please tell them! They may just shrug and say thanks and carry on. But to some it may be the first nice thing anyone has said to them in a long time. 

Just say it! 

The First Night

It happened.

The last few nights...well weeks actually...have been pretty sleepless in the Dunn household. It is totally normal with a 1 year old!! We have been a bed sharing family, and it's worked for us. Joe and I have a full sized bed, which is pretty abnormal come to find out. Most of y'all are rockin' at least a queen! What can I say, we like to snuggle! Like I said, it's worked for us. 

But as John grows, he is getting very "tossy turny" in his sleep. It's not unusual for me to hear Joe say "OUCH" in the middle of the night as a tiny fist collides with his eye. I can't count the times I've been clawed as John searches for a comfortable position between us. He's a hot sleeper too, so he kicks the covers off, leaving Joe and I shivering. It's a hoot of a time! >_<

Well, last night, Joe and I both decided a new step was needed. I decided to try something I swore I would NEVER try. I decided to just see what would happen if I didn't rush to my baby's side in his crib immediately when he started to cry. Honestly, I can't believe I've even typed it out! I picked a time limit of 5 minutes. If he cried more than 5 minutes, I would go to him and nurse him back to sleep. 

I stared at the baby monitor. He laid there so peacefully, breathing in and out, in and out. I held my breath, willing him to stay asleep so he never felt a moment of panic. I began to doze off myself. Sleep found me, but not for long. 

The monitor echoed tiny little huffs that turned to squeaks that turned to a cry. It took every fiber in my being to not spring to his side, but I got a quiet whisper from Jesus "its okay, just wait". About 45 seconds later...John settled. He went back out like a light. 

I stared incredulously. Did that really happen? I slowly got back under the covers. I checked the monitor. Sound asleep. I closed my eyes. Opened them. Checked the monitor. Asleep. Not moving an inch, not a wiggle even. Sleep found me again. 

The same exact thing happened a few more times. Once I did honor the time limit and I went to nurse him to sleep. I snuck back out with no difficulty. But y'all...I was just flabbergasted! 45 seconds it took for John to just settle himself back in. A few times he'd wake, sit up, look around, fluff his blankie around, and plop back down! It was actually amazing to watch!! It gave me so much comfort to see him find peace in his own room.

But now, I'm laying here, wide awake, alone, and way passed our usual morning wake up time. John is STILL asleep!!! I miss him, and want to see his happy smile so much, but I won't...Apparently he needed deep sleep as much as Joe and I did! 

Who knows what tonight will bring, but wow...I just needed to document this actually happened. I know the "cry it out" method is deemed pretty harsh, even still I don't like the method. But if you're struggling to sleep with your toddler...maybe just give them a minute or two to try and settle before you go to them? Maybe sleep will find you all again! 

And now...well now I guess I'm going to go sit by John's door until he wakes up ^_^

Inches Away

Being a momma is a dream come true. Literally. All my life, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered a wife and momma. Now, I'm living that dream! In fact, my sweet baby is curled up in my arms, sound asleep as I type this. My heart is full of thanksgiving!

But also...

There is a piece of quiet longing too. I promised to keep it real with y'all. The pretty and the ugly. 

Here is the ugly:

In this moment, I really miss being a wife to my husband. He isn't gone. He is just at work. But I feel like I haven't seen him in quite a while. This stems from bed sharing with John. Yes, we do that. Gasp. When we brought John home, he slept in his bassinet. It worked well, keeping him beside our bed. But as he began to cluster feed, I grew so exhausted during those million little middle of the night feeds. I almost dropped John once, and so I began to lay down while nursing him. Then it just became second nature to just sleep beside him. I got SO much more sleep that way! 

Then Joe deployed, and it seemed pointless to put John in a crib. He would be sharing a room with me while we stayed at my parents' house, so we continued to bed share. Plus it was nice getting to snuggle with my baby boy; it made the nights less lonely. But then deployment ended, thank goodness!! And now, we are trying to get John to transition to the crib, and man...it is a struggle. 

Last night after a few failed attempts, I carried John into Joe's and my bedroom. Joe smiled a soft smile and pulled back the covers. John went right to sleep. I looked at my sweet husband and said "I miss you" even though he was inches away. 

I just miss the quiet moments of only him and I. My love language is quality time, and we are sorely lacking in that department. I don't trust anyone to babysit John, other than family (all 20+ hours away), so there's nothing to be done really. We just keep telling each other that this season is short, and we will get through it. I will probably even miss it someday. 

But marriage is so sacred. I never want to lose sight of that. Before we made John, there was Joe and me. Us two, together. I never want to lose us. I think a lot of marriages lose that. They let the entity of their marriage be their kids. And once the kids are grown, then what? I want us to always be us. 

So while I soak in these sweet snuggles and bask in being John's world 24/7...I do miss that amazing season of Joe and I ending each day curled up together, dreaming of the future. I think that's okay...it doesn't mean I don't treasure the present. I guess the future you quietly whisper about with your love could be moments away, and you never even realize it. Cherish every single moment of life, friends.

Choking Hazard...More Like Mental Breakdown Hazard

You know when you go to the toy section, and you see that same label on the vast majority of them? Choking hazard! It's a valid, legitimate concern. But I think those toys should come with a different, seperate label just for the stay at home moms, or moms with OCD. 

WARNING: Small parts are in this toy. They may possibly roll under furniture, blend in with area rugs, or find a new home in the weirdest places that you swear the toy was never even near. Small parts have been known to cause the following: eye twitches, hysterical laughter followed by tears, insomnia from imagining where the heck the toy part could be, frightened husbands as they watch their wife tear through the house like a furious cyclone, terrified victims (usually a husband or possibly older child) forced to take part in this unwanted scavenger hunt for an impossibly small part, and in very very severe cases...stress eating that may induce raging diarrhea. Please proceed with your purchase with caution. 

That's a warning label I would appreciate.

The Dunn household is still harboring a bug of some kind. John has a runny nose and wet cough. I'm still devouring cough drops, hot tea, and Dayquil. Sleep has skipped our house for the last 7 days. So our mental fortitude was not up to par, lets say. 

Last night, after an unsuccessful attempt to get John down in his crib, I trudged down the stairs to let John play a little more. I had hopes it would wear him out enough for all of us to get some much needed sleep. Usually, John goes down right after bath time, and this allows Joe and I to spend quality time together before we go to bed. As he played, I began to absent mindedly pick up the smaller toys in preparation for when John was ready to go to sleep. We have these so fun yet so annoying stacking cups from Mushie (a baby product company). We actually have two stacking cup sets. One is incomplete thanks to a certain Beagle eating the smallest cup. I do not have OCD, for the record, but I do have a need for organization, tidyness, and completeness. So I ordered a 2nd set. It does not make sense to you, I know, but in my brain, this was the solution. Well, the cups tend to disappear. It drives me absolutely nuts, to where I have actually placed cut pool noodles under my furniture to keep them from rolling under them. Last night, all the cups were found, and I proudly placed them in a bin. I moved my sights on to a little plastic dinosaur with removable spikes on his back. It's supposed to teach dexterity and hand/eye coordination, or something like that. There are 12 spikes, three yellow, three orange, and three blue. I counted them off...

Three, three, and...two. Two blue.

I felt something pop.

Where is the third blue spike?

Where

Is

The

Blue

Spike

I asked Joe, casually, "baby, have you seen the blue spike anywhere?"

"Nope, I am sure it will pop up somewhere."

Ha

Hahahaha

Hahahahahhaha

It did not pop up.

The search started off calmly, and then became a violent, very personal man hunt. Spike hunt. We moved furniture, pool noodles and all, checked the bathroom, coat closet, laundry room, under the stove, outside, in the pantry...and that stupid little blue spike was nowhere to be found. My hair was wet from a shower when we started the search, and it was a dry poofy mane in about 3 minutes from running around like a headless chicken.

After searching every inch of the downstairs, I turned to say something to Joe. But all I saw was the pure exhaustion on his face--he's been amazing during this awful week--and the crazy evaporated from my system. I told him to just give up the search. Let's watch the new epsisode of our show while I nurse John to sleep. And that is just what we did. 

But the next morning...

It returned.

The crazy. The eye twitching, cannot rest until my foe is vanquished, rearrange the whole house crazy.

Victory was mine. Despite me looking three times...it was in the bottom of a basket. I immediately texted Joe this picture:

Sweeeeeeeet victory.

I'm sure I won't lose it again for at least 5 hours! 

Mommunity

Vaccines!!

Did that get your attention? It seems to be a tad on the touchy side for topics to talk about at brunch nowadays.  Figured it was worth a shot. 

But really! I am going to talk a little about vaccines, and reveal my own personal beliefs about them gasp! See, I took my one year old, John, to the pediatrician for his one year check up. To my immense displeasure, he was to receive four, count 'em, FOUR shots. He is up to date on all his vaccines (minus a flu shot because I don't even get the flu shot...so how can I expect him to get it?! I'm a fair mom, okay?). But you know what...I totally and completely understand antivax moms.

Did you read it? I. Get. It.

At this stage in his life, John is already terrified, I mean truly scared to death, of anyone in scrubs. If you take your lunch break from your receptionist job at the dermatology office, and you happen to go to the same restaurant we go to...if he sees you, expect a full on melt down. It's so so so sad. But who can blame him? So many kids suffer from medical anxiety, and why wouldn't they?!

John has been poked and prodded since he was BORN. Many of you know John's birth story. If you don't, John spent some time in the NICU. It was a horrid time in his and mine and Joe's life. Many of you may have gone through or know someone who has gone through a NICU journey. 

Anyways, the poking with needles has only gotten worse since he left the NICU. Every freakin' visit, it's something else. I feel guilt just tearing through me every time his preciously soft skin is pierced with a needle "for his own good". Okay, but is it??? He got four shots. And then the pediatrician, who really is a nice man, but darn him, he handed me a lab slip. I asked him what it was for, and he said that it is ROUTINE now to check for anemia at 1 and 2 years old. I asked if it was a heel stick, and he said that he wished it was. But it was to be a traditional blood draw.

Excuuuuuse me?

When I walked into that office, I didn't have a care or worry about John... I left with the fear of "Dear Lord, does he have anemia?" To answer my own question, he does not. He's never shown a single sign of it. As I consoled my screaming baby from the pain of getting 4 needles jabbed into his limbs, I felt so nauseous. Our visit ended, I checked out, and got him in the car seat. And then it hit me. 

I can say....no. 

Simple as that. I can say no. To anything in John's life! Until he is old enough and able to say no himself, I get to do that for him. I ripped up the lab slip. I will NOT subject my baby boy to the trauma of a blood draw. Heck, I didn't get my first blood draw til I was 26 years old. I thought more about my right to say no, and guilt flooded my heart. I could have been saying no this whole time. Even in the NICU, I could have said no to certain things that I now know were not necessary. 

Talk about a gut punch. And the gut punches kept on coming.

John got soooo sick from those shots. My little boy hadn't been sick a day in his life, not one fever...and then bam. Fever, inconsolable crying, nonstop nursing...those 48 hours were the longest of my life. Watching him be so uncomfortable was a nightmare! He just looked at me through tears, whimpering, I knew what he was trying to say to me. He wanted me to make it stop. And I couldn't, I just didn't have that power. But luckily, Jesus does and He saw John and me and Joe through it. But wow...I hope we never ever have a sick kid again!! (I hear the chorus of guffaws, no need to tell me)

And now...I am coming down with something myself. A friend online said to me, "Moms should not be allowed to get sick." Immunity...mommunity. And I think mommunity branches to more than just moms not being allowed to get sick. For instance, I wish we had that mommunity on a sign that all moms can carry, so that when we go to the doctor, they know to present things as questions. That would make it so much easier! Think, if doctors asked: "Okay, so today, how do you feel about getting the chicken pox vaccine, the MMR vaccine, the flu vaccine today? It would be three separate shots." That would give me a moment to think, to ask questions and then know, its a question, so I need to answer yes or no. It's presented as "this is what we are doing today". For those of us with a little bit softer voices, sometimes we get overwhelmed with authoritative speech. 

But I know now; I just need to remember. Maybe someone reading this needed a reminder. It's not just for moms either! You can say NO to anything in your life!!! How freeing is that? I may just say no to him going to the doctor at 15 months. When did we start going to the doctor for being perfectly healthy? That's a whole other tangent, but good grief. I took a healthy thriving boy to the doctor, and we left with a boy who felt sick. Make it make sense!!! 

It's tricky, because I do see the value in vaccines. But why so young? Why so many all at once and spaced so close together? It makes me want to create John's own unique vaccine schedule. Do people do that? 

So to wrap this messy, emotional post in a bow...

Remember your mommunity, all you mommas out there! Our babes rely on us to say yes and no for them until they can say it themselves.