Inches Away

Being a momma is a dream come true. Literally. All my life, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered a wife and momma. Now, I'm living that dream! In fact, my sweet baby is curled up in my arms, sound asleep as I type this. My heart is full of thanksgiving!

But also...

There is a piece of quiet longing too. I promised to keep it real with y'all. The pretty and the ugly. 

Here is the ugly:

In this moment, I really miss being a wife to my husband. He isn't gone. He is just at work. But I feel like I haven't seen him in quite a while. This stems from bed sharing with John. Yes, we do that. Gasp. When we brought John home, he slept in his bassinet. It worked well, keeping him beside our bed. But as he began to cluster feed, I grew so exhausted during those million little middle of the night feeds. I almost dropped John once, and so I began to lay down while nursing him. Then it just became second nature to just sleep beside him. I got SO much more sleep that way! 

Then Joe deployed, and it seemed pointless to put John in a crib. He would be sharing a room with me while we stayed at my parents' house, so we continued to bed share. Plus it was nice getting to snuggle with my baby boy; it made the nights less lonely. But then deployment ended, thank goodness!! And now, we are trying to get John to transition to the crib, and man...it is a struggle. 

Last night after a few failed attempts, I carried John into Joe's and my bedroom. Joe smiled a soft smile and pulled back the covers. John went right to sleep. I looked at my sweet husband and said "I miss you" even though he was inches away. 

I just miss the quiet moments of only him and I. My love language is quality time, and we are sorely lacking in that department. I don't trust anyone to babysit John, other than family (all 20+ hours away), so there's nothing to be done really. We just keep telling each other that this season is short, and we will get through it. I will probably even miss it someday. 

But marriage is so sacred. I never want to lose sight of that. Before we made John, there was Joe and me. Us two, together. I never want to lose us. I think a lot of marriages lose that. They let the entity of their marriage be their kids. And once the kids are grown, then what? I want us to always be us. 

So while I soak in these sweet snuggles and bask in being John's world 24/7...I do miss that amazing season of Joe and I ending each day curled up together, dreaming of the future. I think that's okay...it doesn't mean I don't treasure the present. I guess the future you quietly whisper about with your love could be moments away, and you never even realize it. Cherish every single moment of life, friends.