When the nurses wheels him back in that big metal crib, his tiny body was wrapped in the scratchy hospital baby blankets. They were warm at least. He opened his big blue eyes, and found mine. He started to stir, and he made little croaks as he woke up. He rolled over and stood up...he hasn't done that in a while. He took a lunging step to me. And he was back in my arms. We were told not to feed him anything until we'd heard word from the staff.
So we waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
After a few hours, we finally got the clear to nurse him. It gave him some immediate relief, thank goodness.
Then we waited for several more hours.
Two women in green scrubs came in, and said they could give us a sort of plan going forward. Surgery tomorrow. We already knew that.
I looked at one of the pediatricians, and said how I was looking at all the hours of waiting as a plus. Usually bad news comes fast. She had a weird look in her eye, and said we have a long road ahead of us.
I hate that phrase.
We waited some more.
Finally another green scrubs came in with a set of blue scrubs. This was it.
Green scrubs spoke in a hushed voice. He asked if he could sit down. The air left my lungs. Sitting down is never good.
He asked me to retell the tale of how we came to be here. I told him. He took a breath.
Most likely cancerous.
High grade.
Can be life threatening.
Chemotherapy.
Another stomach punch. Another thing that isn't supposed to happen. We aren't supposed to be here.
After a blurry eyed, nodding head, questions with no answers conversation...we awaited the neurosurgeon.
She came a few hours later.
Common location.
Attached to spinal cord.
Can't get it all.
Drain.
Shunt.
Treatments to follow.
Possible second surgery.
Long. Road. Ahead.
And everyone keeps asking:
"Can I get you anything?"
"Are you okay?"
"What do you need?"
All well intended and well received.
My thoughts are as choppy as the paragraphs on this page.
I feel akin to Job.
We haven't even been married 5 years yet...
Long distance relationship over an ocean.
2 moves, 1 across country.
Deployments.
3 months of zero contact.
1 emergency c section
1 NICU stay
Unexpectedly pregnant with baby #2 (ha, now I'm gonna see who actually reads my blog)
Stressful career change
Exiting the military
Half way across country move
Life flighted with my baby
And now....our baby is having brain surgery tomorrow.
This has to be a dream?? Please be a dream...
Despite it all...I choose to move forward. Despite every pound of my flesh screaming the opposite, I choose to trust the Lord and His promises.
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope."
I'm speaking that over John tonight as I nurse by baby for the last time in possibly quite a while.
As I hold him close for possibly the last time in a while. He is going to have a lot more tubes in him and medical equipment surrounding him.
God...I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But somehow, I will. I trust you to get my family through this.
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